oh that is gay. now blogger can ftp to my personal site. oh well. i have a pretty cool journaling program thing anyhow. i'll still be using blogger for this though. don't want anyone i know in real life to know about this =)

so anyways, i think i'm really dehydrated. no matter how much water i drink, my throat feels as dry as the desert. i hear deserts are really dry LOL

no big news. i'm not feeling anything really. starting to feel a lil stress. i only have four more weeks of school. i have these competencies to complete for one of my classes and i haven't done ANY of them. i hear we have like twenty. so i'm really really REALLY behind. god.

i heard some bullshit about some bullshit reverend, pastor, whatever guy protesting the harry potter books. i guess he has something against witchcraft, black magic and vengence. he said it's not good reading material because of all those things. well sir, there's this thing called freedom of speech and this crazy thing called IMAGINATION. what, does he think kids will just go out there practicing all that crap? and even if they do, that's on them. dumb fucks. i love the harry potter books. they're soo imaginative and vivid. i'd read them any day. i'd rather read them than the bible. *gasp*

lol

god. he still talks to *psychobitch*. he says not so much... BUT STILL. why does he still have to be her friend? oh yeah, cuz he's afraid she'll fucking kill herself if he tells her off. DAMN IT.

whatever you know. i dunno why it bothers me. it shouldn't bother me right? why should i care who his friends are? i ain't his mother.

but aren't i allowed to be just a little upset? the bitch put a $900+ dent in my car... sayin shit like she wish she hit it harder or whatever. i dunno. i know the entry is somewhere in this site (look at the may 10th entry). am i wrong to feel this way? somebody tell me something.

anyway. my bra feels so uncomfortable. i'm going to change it.

i am soooo... something.

i don't know what's wrong with me. i'm numb. i'm stressed because i know i'm so behind in a lot of stuff. i can't seem to find that lil OOMPH to work hard to catch up.

i'll never finish school.

i'm back to smoking.

the difference now is that i only smoke one kind of brand and that is nat sherman's. i will not buy anything else. that way i don't smoke as much since those suckahz cost like 5 duckets a pack. well worth it in my opinion. but since i don't have a job, it's insurance that i won't become a chainer.

also, the boyfriend knows about it LOL before i was sneaking around before i finally just quit. now, he smokes with me.

yup.

jesus, it's been a long time.

i keep forgetting to update this because i use another journal publisher thingy for my website.

anyway.

i keep falling behind in all my classes. i don't know what it is. i guess i'm getting lazier and lazier.

god, i need to get outta this rut.

catching up...

he did get me something for my bday. just waited til my lil bday kick back to give it to me i guess. two beautiful leis... some glass dolphin thing... and i guess thats it haha it was nice..

i secretly decided to take nursing after i'm done with my coding certification. but after hearing all these nursing majors talking about the classes.... i dunno if i really want to. i started thinking about WHY i didn't take nursing in the first place. cuz i don't fucking want to deal with ppl. doh

parents suck. enough said.

before it happened, sarah said she was scared. we asked about what and she didn't know. she just was.stan was contemplating putting on his seatbelt.. but saw me and sarah not wearing ours so i guess he didn't. he said some other stuff too but i forgot.

my mother mentioned a couple times earlier maybe we should eat out on sunday instead.. or just buy something simple like sandwiches and eat at home.

i was thinking the same thing. i actually thought.. maybe we should just order pizza. and that's what we ended up doing. how weird.

steve was thinking a couple things also but i forget what right now.

the only person who had no thoughts like that was dad. he just ain't in tune, i guess. and he used to be the guy with all the esp. he'd know if i was home or not before he walked into the house. i guess gambling messed with his judgment or something? eh, i dunno.

he didn't get me anything for my birthday. not even a fucking card. or a poem. nothing. i was really sad.

i wasn't expecting anything... but.. at least a card? or a fucking note would be nice....

i guess guys just don't get it. unless it's just my bf? nooooooo

but at least i had birthday sex? LOL he drew a bubble bath for me... it was soo warm with candles around.. i was like woooooow =) we ended up having sex in the tub... and then on the counter =) yum yum

then i went home right after hahaha... hey it was late.

my hair is still wet =)

is it the birthday blues? or am i really depressed?

now, i ain't one of those people who thinks just because they're sad that they're depressed. i think depression is when you're sad and don't know why. like, when you're finished crying... you still don't feel better. i've been fighting off tears for awhile now. it's taking all my energy to keep 'em back. i don't know what i'm crying about because everything is pretty much alrite. i ain't gonna say perfect cuz life sux. but nothing is really *that* bad.

bf says it's bday blues because the birthday is nearing.... he could be right. i'm gonna be fucking twenty-two. i think about where i'm at and where i'm supposed to be, and there's this huge ass gap. this society is driving me insane because WHO SAYS you have to be at a certain place in your life at certain ages... everyone has their own pace. unfortunately, in this society, everyone's pace is fast and faster. hurry hurry hurry. i can't stand that.

oh yeah. i caught myself comparing myself with other girls. i'm so frustrated with myself. i feel like i'm in a constant battle. laziness vs. motivation. for once i'd like motivation to win because this stupid laziness is driving me to the ground. i've really gotta do something about it.

i am antisocial.

me and my friends are throwing a lil bday bbq get together for me. i'm kind of dreading it... so much that i want to cancel it. i want to be holed up in my room. my boyfriend thinks i'm kidding, but i'm not. i'll be twenty-two on friday and i just can't handle it. i'm so disappointed, grossed out, frustrated with myself.... i just want to stop NOW. i don't want to go on with this charade anymore.

i don't think anyone knows how i *really* feel.

i don't even know how *i* really feel. i get glimpses of it at moments like this. i think this feeling is rooted deeper inside somewhere and i don't want to venture it.

i suppose i don't want to know how much of a failure i am.

ewww i looked at a couple pix taken last nite at my sis' bday party and i'm disgusted at how FAT i am! omg. it's so weird. when i look at myself in the mirror... i see fat... but not that much. but PICTURES... they don't hide anything. blech.

i need to get off my ass and do something about this.

wow, it's been a real long time since i've posted anything here. i've been meaning to, but i always get distracted and forget.

tomorrow's my first day of school. i'm kind of dreading it because i've been lazy all summer (and my whole life haha) and i really don't feel like getting up early and all that stuff you go through just to go to school. argh...

yes. i guess we're fighting right now. although i am not sure why. he says i'm being negative. my voice is negative or something. and that i don't sound happy like yesterday. well like i have complained before... i am not happy every fucking day. it doesn't happen. FIND ME someone who is happy every single day...... it's not natural.

tomorrow's gonna be two years and seven months. how scary.

omg it's 5 am and i'm in front of the computer. well, it's not like i was on the whole night. i got up about an hour ago cuz i couldn't sleep. i still can't. especially now that i'm itching. i think i got a couple mosquito bites.... ugh.

my dad didn't come home tonight. he's fucking stupid. i guess he is living proof that (most likely) people don't change.

so anyway, tomorrow (today) i'm heading out to oc to see the bf... it's also the bf's homeboy's girlfriend's birthday. haha did you get that?
yeah, the girl is turning 20 and for some reason she told her bf n grace that she would really like me there. i'm like... alrite dude.
but yeah.. i'm kinda cautious about going there... we checked the tranny fluid crap yesterday and it's on the min. line. i don't know if it's below or at the line, but it should be in between the lines right? i guess i should *change* the tranny fluid instead of just adding some on, but i dunno how long that would take... errrr

i guess i'll try to get some more shut-eye now.

her: ahahah..

her: well this dood wants to talk to u

me: what dude?

her: ahah.

her: well here's his sn

me: what??

her: NiNjAxTaLoNg

her: his name's mike

me: sooooo

her: 562 *** **** and here's his #

me: what the hell?

her: cell that is

her: ahahaha

me: lol

her: he thought u were cute

me: like i'ma call

me: omg

her: well just im him

me: and how did this guy see me?

her: he wants me to tell u

her: ahahah

her: well u know me

me: huh?

her: lets trade?

her: lol

me: i'm lost

me: the hell u talkin about?

her: we traded pix and u're in it so he asked bout u

her: well he didn't have one though

me: omg

her: but anyway, i don't know.. maybe he knows u

me: OMG!

her: but he wanted me to tell u that he wants u to call him or something

her: aahahha.. first he said jake

her: lol

me: lol

me: whaaaaaaaaaaaaat

her: he's filipino name mike.. well he said later

her: well just im him

her: see if he's still on

me: lol

me: is this a joke or what

her: no

her: y would i go through all this typing

her: ahaha.. errr

me: well y don't u tell HIM TO IM ME

me: lol i have no idea

me: maybe ur bored hahaha

her: ahaha.. okay u want me to

me: yeah

her: ahaha.. well he asked for ur # and i was like no i can't give u her #

me: omg

her: ahaha

her: so want me to give him ur sn

me: yeah

her: or aim whatever it is

her: okay brb



her: well i did tell him u were taken

her: and he's like well don't tell her bf

her: ahahaha

me: OMG

her: i was like what a dork

her: hmm.. who is this mike dood..

me: lol and where is this guy from?

her: if thats his name.... or jake

her: lol

me: he's filipino?

her: cerritos

me: god no more jakes

her: lol

her: yep and he's 24

me: OH ARE YOU SERIOUS???

her: yes i'm serious

me: lol

me: damn oc people

me: hahahhahaha

her: i don't know who he is.. so maybe i thought u might know him

her: lol

me: i dunno any 24 year mikes from cerritos

her: u never can get away can u

her: well i don't know dood

me: i dunno anyone from cerritos

me: it's like a curse!

her: maybe he lied bout his age

me: oh god

i am sooo mad. and what a surprise.. it's because of fucking guys. the first guy that's responsible for my anger is my father. he basically said i can't go to vegas. WELL FUCK YOU BUDDY. lol i know i must sound like spoiled brat getting mad just because i can't go to vegas but it's not just that. one of these days i will tell him what i think of him. bastard


the second guy is no fucking big surprise. it's the boyfriend. he called me last night telling me that he misses me. i told him to call me tomorrow (today) and did he? hell no he didn't. i was furious today because the first guy pissed me off so i thought i'd go there for comfort or something..... to get away. i seriously was going insane. i called a million times and i'm not joking. i left a message saying it's kinda like an emergency.. i'd like him to call me back. has he called me back? haha this answer ain't hard. come on.. say it with me. HELL MOTHER FUCKING NO HE DIDN'T! *sigh* what the fuck is that?


it's fucking wednesday. i know what he's doing then. he's working out with that fucking bitch. or he's out somewhere and didn't bring his phone. shit, i'm sorry i'm a fucking drag that you don't want to fucking talk to me. oh my god. AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHH


please please get me away from this place...

hmm.... i notice he doesn't call me anymore. he's supposed to pretend he has summer school and usually he calls me at least once a day or something. you know what? i haven't talked to him in awhile. okay, so now it's no sex... no calls... and probably no seeing. i'm definately not seeing him this week. i need to take care of my car's maintenance.. and besides, i have no gas and no money. if i see him, it'll have to wait til next week. i don't even know about then. our two and a half year anniversary is on the fourth. we usually see each other that day...


i dunno.. i can't help but feel neglected or something.

i swear my mom can't make up her mind about where she wants to go. this morning some agent left us a message about plane tickets via malaysia air... my mom was like hey maybe we should go.. you and me. good lordy.. this must be the tenth time she's changed her mind. seriously. well, whatever. i don't care where i go. just as long as i go somewhere.

i dunno... the last couple times i left his house to go home.. i cried. i dunno what that means... oh i know. i'm fuckin emotional. well i'd like to go disect what i'm feeling and thinking and coming up with all sorts of theories and shit but i'm too tired. maybe another day.

i went to the boyfriend's house yesterday. i had wanted to go shopping but i got there so late, i think all the stores were closed. i was tired when i had arrived there that i just wanted to lie down and take a nap. i mean, he always does that right?

i think he wanted me to come over to help him with his hair. he was getting frustrated cuz he didn't know what to do with the dreads that were breaking. he's so fucking impatient. he wants his dreads to mature instantly.. yeah it takes awhile!

i'm sick again! argh!

why??

you know what would make me so happy i'd forget i was sick?
modest mouse. live.
i think that would be coolness.

i feel like a loser.

i kept wondering and wondering if he was going to call me yesterday. he did earlier in the day to tell me he wants to kill himself because he's probably getting a c in math. he can't have a 'c' because he doesn't work, his parents think he has no excuses to have bad grades. i try to tell him i understand and he keeps telling me i don't understand. i guess he cean't share the misery. it has to be about him and only him.

i think i'm obsessing about him. i wonder why i am and this is what i came up with. i don't really go out anymore. he knows i'm always home. i'm going to spend more time with my friends. or hopefully find a job to consume all this free time i have. i want him to worry about me again. and maybe get him to come here for a change.

maybe i should convince my mom to go to indo. at least i can be miserable over there without having to hide it from people here. because over there they can think i'm miserable from mosquitos, humidity, or being homesick. i want to be gone for a month. i don't want this bullshit life. i want to have another for a little while.

he can be insensitive at times. but i guess that's most guys, right? tell me to cancel my phone and take yours? why don't i get a job and pay for it?

he promised me a massage for braiding his fuckin hair. i spent 4 hours doing that shit and my back killed. did i ever get that massage? no
he wants a bj? he thinks foreplay is giving me a little kiss. give me a break.

OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i know who hit my car. he told me today that she did it. the psycho racist bitch hit my car "on accident" when she was trying to park. she looked at the license plate and figured out it was mine and said she wasn't sorry she hit my car. only sorry that she didn't hit it harder or some shit. FUCKING BITCH. err i promised him i wouldn't kick her ass before he told me. i shouldn't have promised that. DAMN IT. i've never had anyone not like me so much that they'd not be sorry they hit my car! i don't even know what to feel.

she even had a dream she fought me and scratched her name on my face. does she want my boyfriend THAT bad?!

but you know what... whatever. she's not a happy person being. i think she deserves all the crap life is serving her. so there. i don't even have to do anything. i'm happy, she's not.

there are times i think he's the sweetest in the world. then there are the days where i think he's an insensitive bastard. but then again, i guess i can be like that too. no one's perfect eh?

his friend likes him. the chick that helped him pay his bills.. braid his hair.. and whatever the fuck else she does with him. i KNEW it! who fuckin pays that many bills.. he told me some girl told him "break up with your girlfriend" because she liked him. he finally admitted yesterday it was her. the stupid racist bitch. oh my god, if i ever see her.... eh, i'll probably do nothing since i'm a lover, not a fighter. har har. nah whatever. i have my man, she doesn't. hehehehe

all this time, i was hating the wrong girl. damn. lol

i've just spent 3 days and a night with him. he was so sweet today. i stayed at his house while he went to math class. he called after class and asked if i was hungry and told me that we'd get something to eat. but no, he came back with food from rubios and i think thai tea. yumm yumm.

i've figured out a couple things about myself. i'm too sleepy to get into it though, it'll have to wait til the morning.

he said all that shit yesterday and today he talks to me like yesterday never happened.

well, he did say, "forget everything i said."

i'm sorry. you can't forget what's said aloud. it's out there.

my heart has a crack. one more hit and it'll shatter.

before he said anything yesterday, he asked if i was sure he was right for me.

i said yeah... i forgot to ask about him.

*sigh*

i'm sorry. am i supposed to like everything you like? am i supposed to agree with everything you say? FUCK!

he makes me so mad sometimes. so we disagree about how a car looks like. i think the matrix and the civic si look okay. he thinks it's ugly. i tell him, hey it's your opinion, but the world doesn't go by your opinion. if you hate it, you hate it. i think it looks okay. he gets all mad and hangs up on me. wtf? i'm just tellin him people have differing opinions. how fuckin immature is he?

then i finally get a hold of him online and he says he's not mad but then he puts his stupid away message. oookay.

i call him and he doesn't talk.

i im him and tell him i'm angry and he better call me back. (make that FUCKIN angry)

he calls and still says nothin. but then he asks why we always argue. uhh.. wtf. everyone argues it's fuckin normal. it's abnormal when you make lil shit a big deal all the time and turn it around and say it means you don't care. yup, he told me i don't care. and when he brings up that point he adds, you don't support me. FUCK!

looks like i get a couple get aways this year. next week we and a bunch of other families are heading out to laughlin for camping and stuff. then next month we're goin to hawaii woohoo! and the day after we come back, i'm supposed to go to vegas with christine for her 21st bday. damn, she'll be 21!! ahhhh time flies.

apparently the boyfriend's parents made a CD for him and his bro. it'll mature in a couple weeks. so he's gonna use that to pay off his credit card bill. F I N A L L Y!! oh and he's gonna use his tax return money for his cell. so he has plenty of time to find a job. he doesn't have to feel pressured or whatever. which is cool cuz it ain't pretty when he's feeling pressured.

huh my dad just came home. getting papers at the office my ass. i know where he went. i can't believe he still goes though. i hate fuckin gamblers.

i haven't been doing very well with my diet. guess what i had today? (yesterday actually) i had noodles for breakfast, a banana split for lunch (shared with my friend) and when i got home i ate chicken with brown rice and a salad. for dinner, me and my brothers ordered pizza. i think we all can agree we ate a lil too much. i will never lose any freakin weight =/

no, no, no. the whole point isn't about losing weight... it's about being healthy! gaaaaaah

i'm being a vegetarian today and so far, i've been doing great =)

i had a gardenburger for breakfast =) some chocolate soy milk but i didn't finish it.. i drank water instead hehehe oh i also had a couple almonds, a banana and a handful of baby carrots. that should last me for some time. since i'm not seeing my bf today, i know i won't run into any meat. =P wow a whole day with no meat. well, i'm sure i've gone through days with no meat, i just never really noticed.

now, if i can only get myself to go on that damn treadmill....

LOL i just remembered that i have a hickey in the back of my neck. and i had my hair up for a little while. i don't think my parents saw, they would've said something. and if my brother noticed, he'd tell me. soooo yeah.

anyways, i'm proud of me. i didn't eat anything else. i should've exercised though. ahhh maybe tomorrow =)

i thought i found the perfect birthday present for my brother. tickets to nofx/rancid. argh! i think it's sold out or something. typical. everytime i hear about a concert or something, it's too late.

not good, not good at all.

i went downstairs and forgot everything i was going to do. instead of fruits and vegetables, i made myself a sandwich and fried a couple slices of yam. a couple hours later, my brothers eat. so i eat chicken and rice with them. then, my mom and sister come back from church and about an hour later, my mom remembers she has food in the car and gives me some pastries. ahhhh i felt so guilty, i ate an orange and a pear and then i fell asleep. i'm plannin on not eating anymore today, but i doubt it. i'll keep it light and eat fruits. =)

that's it. i'm going on a hardcore diet. and this blog wil mainlyl be my diet support blog. so what if i complain about my life once in awhile hehehhe anyway, my "new lifestyle" will start today. i gotta tell myself to eat only fruits and vegetables. argh! you know how hard that will be for me? yikes.

so right after i'm done doing whatever i do on the internet (i have no idea) i'm going to walk downstairs, go straight for the fidge and not look at other foods. we'll see how successful breakfast brunch will be.

i'm always telling him to calm down. i don't see why you have to get so mad at a person trying to get in front of you when you're driving you know? he gets so defensive and speeds up and then just gets mad cuz he doesn't want to speed. and then he'll talk about how he wants a fast car. he says hondas are stupid. why do people fix up hondas? they're stupid. i'm like.. hey, that's what they have. hondas are pretty economical. i don't really like honda either but who cares. it's just a car. shouldn't let it get to you. just let people be, ya know? and if you're gonna say shit about hondas, don't say it while you're driving my car. otherwise my car might get mad and just stop working or something. =X

i feel like his mother sometimes. errrrr... he gave me his credit card because he keeps using it. today we used it for the last time to get "necessities". i don't think he really needed new shoes but whatever. it started off with a voice recorder. i told him i got the one i was telling him about... he wanted to get it but when i said i got it, he got all mad and didn't want it anymore. in fact, he said he wanted a better one. how retarded. so i told him it wasn' t a competition and to get over himself hehe i think i said that all day cuz everytime i started to say baby... he'd finish off my sentence "it's not a competition... yeah i know baby" hah. so anyway we go to look at shoes since he says he was gonna spend 100 on a recorder, he might as well spend the money on something. retarded if you ask me. so we're at big5 sporting goods and he sees jump soles and soo wants to get it. i tell him he doesn't NEED it. and blah blah. he kept asking even on the way to the car. oh wellers. i told him to get 'em when he finds a job. jeez, i dunno if i ever want a joint savings/checking account with him! =P

oh and that boyfriend of mines is not calling me back. i've been calling him all day. it sucks. i know he checks his phone at least once a day... why isn't he calling me............................

eww my puppy has her period. well i guess that means she's not really a puppy anymore, does it. =P
lol i didn't even know doggies have periods. well i knew but i just forgot. durr

it's sad that he thinks his girlfriend is not as supportive as his homegirls. excuse me if i don't jump up and down with excitement. he changes his major all the time. i told him to follow his heart. if he wants to act.. go with it. how is that not supportive? sheesh.

where have i been? hehe either driving or sleeping it seems. i've been pretty busy with school... assignments everywhere. i can't wait for school to be over.

i get to go to a birthday party today. yay. it's been awhile since i've seen my friends so this will be a good thing. especially when i'm gonna bring my bf. he hasn't met all of them yet and he's kinda nervous about it... it'll be fun hehehhe i'll tell you what's not gonna be fun, the driving. i'm gonna guess i'll be driving about 400 miles today!

when i first registered to vote i was democrat. then some guy at my school needed to get people to register so he tells me to register again. i was like.. i'm already registered.. but i do it for the hell of it and so suddenly i'm republican. which makes me want to throw up so i changed it back to democrat and sent the card (a week or two ago). now i'm thinking i should've just put green. i've been kinda worried about being openly green LOL but i'm just retarded like that. so i guess i'll have to go and change it AGAIN for like the fourteen millioneth time! =P

why am i talkin politics? i dunno... i got some republican flyer and it's on the floor. so i just thought i'd just i dunno.. it gave me something to type about, you know? besides... who reads this? probably only ME hehehe it's okay though.

father gambled away another paycheck. and he's totally kissing ass. we ate veggies with tofu for dinner and he goes.. "see this is good.. we don't need meat." duh we don't, you were the one always wanting to cook meat. then he goes kissing more of my mom's ass by saying we should start having evening worship. oh shut the fuck up. i bet he'll make us do it one time, then he'll go back to watching t.v. til he falls asleep every night. whatever.

ex: i wonder about u sometimes
me: like what
ex: why you would act the way u did
me: ooh
ex: why it seemed like i was the only one making the effort to see one another
ex: and was i not there
ex: remember magic
me: yes
ex: remember the little fight i got in to with richard about that
ex: and all the drama that came after that
me: yeah
ex: remember that day i called you and i was around te corner
me: yeah
ex: but i also remember the times i felt you drift

me with major guilt trip. yipes!

talking with the ex-boyfriend... always brings up the past... and somehow we're always talking about what happened...

like now, he wants to know what happened... and i've never really given him an answer.. how am i supposed to tell him that i felt he was too needy... that he was annoying with the millions of voicemails....

*sigh*

i hate it how i can't stay mad.

damn it!

he just called and asked if i could come earlier than i usually do on wednesdays.
i'm like.. uhh you have class though..
"it's only an hour"
"what about your english class?"
"it'll go by quick" (it's like 3 hours)
"what am i gonna do then?"
"just stay at my house.. they like you"

he starts complaining about how he doesn't have any confidence... maybe he should just teach. so i'm just like.. okie.. teach.. but if you really want to act.. just go with it. and then later i'm like.. keep your options open you know? then he tells me that i don't understand him anymore. and he can't believe that i said keep your options open. WHAT IS SO BAD ABOUT THAT?

i feel like i'm at his house all the time. i need a break from sitting there watching him sleep. that's all he does. it's mindboggling. i think his brother feels sorry for me because everytime i'm there, he's sleeping. he tried waking him up this one day cuz it was like 5:30pm "why the hell are you still sleeping? you don't even work! get up!" i'm like yeah! sheesh. he gets up when his brother wakes him up but me.... "five more minutes... ten more minutes.. i'm tired.. you don't understand..."

*sigh*

hmm... i think that little feeling of something that was creeping on me is growing....

i can't help but feel....? there's a feeling that i can't really explain. i don't know if it's emptiness.. hollowness.. something. and it's growing bit by bit. i don't like it.

anyways, i played a million hours of final fantasy causing me to dream about it. i really should've studied instead hahhaha oh well. i'll study today.

[rant/vent]
dammit. he wants me to come over today. his homeboy & gf want to take pics and do something today and well he told them okay but he told me that he doesn't want to take pics. i think they said they wanted to go to disneyland or something too... err i don't think me or him can afford it. i don't think we can even afford parking =P

besides, i'm so tired of going there. i go there three times a week already. ARGH! it's not fair to me... i hate driving. and half of the time i'm driving there or from there.. i'm stuck in traffic. i HATE traffic!

i'm tired too. i haven't been sleeping well. i use weekends to sleep in and catch up in class readings. and that's what i want to do. but no, if i tell hm that, he'll just tell me it's okay in that tone that sets off a guilt trip. fuck.
i don't know why he wants me over there. he just sleeps all day and all night. and that's not an exaggeration. ( i know i misspelled that huh) when i question why he sleeps so much he tells me he's tired and i don't understand. fuck yeah i don't understand. what the fuck does he do that gets him so tired besides working out. he doesn't work. and i don't see him actively looking for work. yet he sits there and complains his ass off.

oh we were watching crossing over and i totally think john edward (i think that's his name) is a good medium. and i totally think that stuff is possible and stuff. and here he goes... that's fake. he's not good. dumb. you can't do that. etc.... shit. i thought he was open minded. i guess all this time i was talking about that crap.. he wasn't listening.. or didn't care... didn't think i was serious... maybe thinks i'm crazy. =/
[end rant/vent]

but ANYWAYS... school has been cool. i think i'm doing okay so far. i just need to start studying a little more.

my dad's being good also...

my fuckin dad.... i hate him. he gambled his whole paycheck and he has the nerve to yell at my mom.... he's such a jerk. i wish he would just leave. i know that's a really mean thing to say, but he really needs a reality check. ARGH! he makes me so mad.

i seriously wanted to drive my car into a pole or something. i wanted to die. but i thought, if i survived... there would be hell to pay. so not today.

he made me go over to his house at like five in the morning yesterday. we spent the whole day sleeping =)

he says his papa likes me. whenever his homegirls come over his dad trips... hahahahhaa

i've pretty much neglected this blog. the things that are really haunting me right now have nothing to do with my boyfriend *gasp*

well, there's school that starts on tuesday. i kinda can't wait. i'm surprisingly a little excited. this is a new year and instead of hoping i do good.. i *will* do good. i'm not gonna swear up and down about kicking my own ass if i get a bad grade or even drop a class because none of that will happen. i am going to do great. =)

the haunting stuff have to do with questions with no answers. i constantly have them. again, not about my boyfriend. just about life, maybe past lives? you know, stuff like that =P

hmm.. i thought i'd go without really talking about the boyfriend in this entry... but i guess i'll say something hahahaa. his credit card is maxed out... at 3000 bucks. he will never pay that shit off. which is why NEVER get a credit card lol

there's this chinese proverb that says every minute a person makes you wait is a minute you will spend thinking about their bad points.

uhh... yeah. hahahha

i ended up not going to any malls or any stores. oh well, maybe next week. we went out to eat with his friend and his new girlfriend. she's so nice... and real talkative. =) but she's so cool. hahhaha so yeah... i guess going out with other couples is not so bad. =P

i must be weak. =P

yes, i'm going to his house. mainly cuz i wanna go shopping. the malls around here are tired and have no stores. so yeah....

grr... i called him a couple times today. i even left a vmail tellin him to call me back. and guess what... he never called. whatever. maybe i won't go over there tomorrow. maybe i'll turn off my cell so he can't ask me to come over. maybe i'll just move somewhere and forget about his ass. okay i'm getting carried away.

supposedly we're gonna go eat or something with his homeboy and his girlfriend tomorrow. eww couple stuff? i've never done that before lol my friend's gonna be at her bf's house and if i go over to my bf's house, she wants me to go pick her up cuz she knows he's gonna be in and out of the house and she doesn't want to be stuck there watchin tv all day by herself lol her bf lives about 10-15 minutes away from mines.

duh why didn't we think of that before. pick each other up when one of us needs saving from her boring boyfriend. =X

dammit, i haven't gotten my school crap yet. you know schedule, parking permit, etc.. i think school starts in like two weeks. and damn, i still haven't gotten my fuckin traffic school list. i gotta remember to call those retards tomorrow.

yeah.. maybe instead of going over there... i should stay here and take care of my shit.

i bet ya anything i'll be going over there. =X

oh yeah... he says this year is THE YEAR.

the year for what, i ask.

"THE YEAR"

he said something about everything's gonna be alright.. he's gonna gain 20 more pounds. he's gonna be massive... cut.. buff... whatever the word he used.

i'm back from a weekend away with the family.twas cool as cool as it can get being a family thing.

i talked to him once while i was away... on saturday. he told me he called on friday.. (which he did... my bro picked up and told me but i forgot to call) he said he wanted to say happy anni.

mm'kay.

i think i want to go to vegas with him. might be fun. =P

i finally tried a vanilla flavored cig today (technically yesterday) not what i expected (i dunno what i expected) but it's okay.

i spent 80 bucks today mainly on food! 30 at the restaurant. 35 at the movies. another 20 at another food place. jesus christ. next time i take a brother out, i am goin to just take that brother out. i had to pay for both brothers, my cousin and boyfriend. there goes my clothes money. bf says what do you need clothes for? what an ass. he kept saying "let's play pool..." and whatever. i need clothes punk. i NEVER get clothes. he claims he'll buy me some before school starts. with what money?

i'm just upset right now. can ya tell? oh yeah... i'm laying off the sex stuff. everytime he like gets soft, i automatically think about what he said. it's like he stabs me in my heart and twists the knife. he swears it's not because of me.. yeah whatever. he said that before but when he told me that crap the day we had "the talk" how can i believe him when he says it's not me.

today's our anniversary.. i'm not expecting anything from him but i wish he'd do something special. or just do something. write me a letter. i dunno. we never make anything a big deal. i love complaining about that, don't i.