i am antisocial.

me and my friends are throwing a lil bday bbq get together for me. i'm kind of dreading it... so much that i want to cancel it. i want to be holed up in my room. my boyfriend thinks i'm kidding, but i'm not. i'll be twenty-two on friday and i just can't handle it. i'm so disappointed, grossed out, frustrated with myself.... i just want to stop NOW. i don't want to go on with this charade anymore.

i don't think anyone knows how i *really* feel.

i don't even know how *i* really feel. i get glimpses of it at moments like this. i think this feeling is rooted deeper inside somewhere and i don't want to venture it.

i suppose i don't want to know how much of a failure i am.