i saw bf yesterday! i almost didn't go cuz i was being lazy as HELL! but then i thought eh... i should just go. i'm glad i did because it was nice! i didn't spend a lot of time since i got there at 7pm. i was supposed to be there 3-4pm LOL talk about lag. see, i told you i was being lazy. so anyway. he told me i looked really cute. i had some new clothes. i guess he hasn't seen me wear new clothes in a long time LOL but anyway... i loved that. he barely compliments me unless i say something hahahhaa yeah, so we watched some tv and then i got really tired so we went to his room to lie down =P he told me that when i come over (by myself) it feels like the day after he asked me out. awwwwwwwwwwwww!! i sooo love how he lightly traces circles on my back. it feels so nice =) so then... one thing led to another and yeah, we had sex. it was great. but kinda too long. i like quickies lol

so yeah. i got home at about 2:20am and my dad wasn't home. tsk tsk tsk. i thought he wanted to be serious. oh yeah, he's gonna take his med. board again so he can become a doctor. he should be studying instead of gambling if he wants to pass!

ANYWAYS. i guess that's it.

i'm sad. i may be depressed. i don't know. i was trying to be excited about christmas and everything. i got everybody to get everyone gifts... it feel like charades though.

i don't like how the year is ending either. my dad is gambling about every week. my mom is broke. i'm getting depressed. i feel like bf is distancing himself from me. i have no control over anything. i have to quit smoking (lol no fun!)

whatever.

i barely talk to my bf anymore. in the last week, i think i talked to him 3 times. all 3 times were small talk bullshit. it consisted of us repeatedly asking each other what the other was doing.

during finals week my brother slipped about something... something had happened to bf or something. so i kept asking my bro... i asked bf... nobody would tell me. finally after my finals, he told me he was in a car accident. he wanted to wait to tell me after finals so i wouldn't be worried. ok.

he had told me that while we ate dinner at denny's. afterwards, we went to his house to watch tv and he took off his beanie. his hair was braided. i was shocked... i asked him who did it for him. he said some chick's name from school. i don't know this girl. last year was rushing back to me. i hate braiding his hair and shit... but please be someone i know. last year better not happen again.

man, i don't know what i feel anymore. i felt some distancing before but it was usually because of me. this time... i don't know! karma's a bitch huh.

i don't know what goes on with him anymore. he doesn't tell me. he doesn't update his journal thing either. he doesn't text msg me anymore. i text'd him a couple times... then he kinda yelled at me to stop cuz it costs too much.

our four year anniversary is coming up in about a week and a half. four fucking years!

i am so stressing out. i have a bunch of quizzes, exams and finals coming up in the next 2 weeks! i need to find a way to get my brain to work. i'm so burnt out, it's not funny.

i tried registering for winter intersession but all the online classes are full. damn it. i guess no winter intersession for me. there is no way i'm going to drive to school and sit there for a couple hours trying to stay awake when i should be listening to a lecture. nope.

that means i'm school free til january 21 baby!!! i don't know what i'll do with my time. probably nothing =)

i totally forgot about jon brandis death. i remember my brother telling me about it but i couldn't believe it. gosh, i used to think he was so cute. i loved ladybugs. i want to watch it now. i hope i have it. i'll probably laugh and cry throughout the movie =(


i have a test today. major. i need to get at least a b. an a would be nice but we all know that's not possible. for me anyway haha

3 more weeks and i don't have to pick up another book i don't want to read! OMG that would be sooo nice! =)

so... i should study now.

it's been too long. it seems like i post in here about once a month. so i'll give you month updates! this month, i'm stressing. the end of school is almost upon us and i'm at the borderline of passing/failing. i need to do fantastically great from now on.

a couple weeks ago, i had a date with bf. it was awesome. he bought some new clothes and he looked so damn cute! we did the whole dinner and movie thing too! it was a nice night.

too bad he's been acting retarded recently! he'll ask my opinion on something and i tell him... he ignores me and keeps whining... what do i do? what do i do?

he can be such a baby sometimes!!!

anyway, my youngest brother got a car. doesn't even have his license yet LOL so now we have 6 cars. 2 non running (youngest brother's rx7 and the mr2 that my other brother crashed) and 4 somewhat running. there's something wrong with everybody's car hahaha

anyway, that's all i can think of. besides, i gotta run some errands. i swear i'll try to update more often hahaha

i'm always thinking i'd update this blog more often but then i'll forget all about it. oh well, it doesn't matter.

i hate it when people leave. there's a big empty hole in my heart. my cousin and her parents and baby sister have lived with us since we went to hawaii. that's like 3 months or something, i dunno. i've become so used to my little cousin being here asking me to play with her all the time. they left to go back to the other side of the fucking world where she will forget all about me and my siblings and other cousins. it's really sad.

oh well, brother got his room back finally. in case you haven't figured it out, they lived in his room while they were here.

so anyways. school so far has been ok. i'm not exactly FAILING anything. just not exactly passing either. well, i'm actually passing one class that i'm really surprised about. the other i need to work on and i think i can pull it up to a higher c and pass that fucking class. yes!

and now for bf news. his bday is coming up in a couple days. he's been pretty enraged lately... now that i think of it, he has mood swings. he drives me nuts sometimes.

and it's been a month since i've had sex. it's just really hard when we're barely alone anymore! i've gotta arrange some just us time. we don't have money so when we have our alone time, we usually hang around the house. i can't really stand being in that house when a certain person is there... and i can't really stand being anywhere for tooooo long except for maybe my house hehe. so yeah, i like alone time with him if we gots a couple places to go then have the just us time all night LOL whatever i'm lame.

anyway, i'm freaking tired. good night.

holy shite. it's 1am. the last time i looked at the clock it was 12. gahhh

it really amazes me. i think i write better in this journal instead of my public one. i read a couple old entries in both and this one is moore.... expressive? i didn't think i could pull that off. well, it's expressive to me. i've had this journal for two years already. i think that's crazy!

oh yeah, last weekend was the date. i had intended to go out to eat... i ended up having *no* money. so instead, we had sex and ate hotdogs at weinershnitzels (i don't think i spelled that right). then we went back to his house and had more sex. it was great =) i'm looking forward to our next date LOL but this time, we're really gonna do the date thing. you know... actually GO OUT. yeah. hopefully one of us will have money =)

ahhhh i wanted to update this somewhat regularly but i forgot. damn it damn it damn it. *sigh*

anyway, i started school a month ago. it's going alright. i missed a couple classes already. a couple times due to my car. flat tire one day, dead battery another. i'm getting decent grades. but i left my disc in the computer lab during coding skills lab. i'm fucking retarded. i just hope somebody turns it in so i don't have to do all that work again.

i haven't had alone time with my bf in a month or so. i've seen him about once a week the past month. see, i go to school there with my bro now. so i have to go home after class. not like before when i would just sleep over. i'm so much more tired this way, but oh well. i guess it makes what time we do have together a little more special? ehh... i dunno.

so i'm going on a "date" today with the bf. my original plan was to go out to dinner or a picnic at the beach. i have no money and no food here soooo i don't know what to do. he says not to worry, just be spontaneous. how spontaneous can you get with no money or food! i'm tired of not having money ever! i need a fucking job! but my stupid school schedule doesn't leave much room for a job. that bites.

i'm so jealous. my friend and her man live at her parents house... they've bought a car together... he talked about saving up for an engagment ring already! they've been together almost 3 years. one year less than me and mines.

i'm not jealous of the ring... i'm jealous of the other things. buying shit together... living together... well i want some presents too damn it. he hasn't given me a present in a loong time. he didn't get me a birthday present! not even a fucking card!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! nothing! i am upset.

whatever. i feel distance forming between me and everybody. i want to fix it but i can't. i don't know. i'm going crazy. crazier every day. it takes a lot for me to wake up and go through the motions each and every day.

i don't know. whatevers.

*sigh*

whoah, blogger had a makeover. the last time i blogged was almost 2 months ago! a lot has happened.

for one thing, i went to hawaii for a week with my family. it was just sooo great. i wish i could've stayed longer, or go back right now. to tell the truth, i was ready to go home. i missed my dogs and bf too much. =X but now... i want to go back. i love the atmosphere there. i love how chillaxed one can be. you just walk down the street and BAM there's the beach! a beautiful beach too! not brown and icky like the ones around here. They're nice too cuz a beach is a beach... but c'mon. crystal blue water.... =)

i love how there were alot of asians there. not AZNs. or should i type it out like aZns. I loved how their culture was everywhere for everyone to learn about. how proud these people are of who they are.

but as much as i loved it, i don't think i can ever live there. nooo i like to drive and see different terrain. i'd be stuck on a rock all day over there. not even a big rock lol. but still, i'd love to visit frequently.

so anyway. i've seen my boyfriend a couple times this past month. only once by myself though. he blames his insomnia on me =(

oh yeah, my cousin got arrested today. the cops found a pipe in his truck. long story but i don't think they were allowed to search his truck in the first place. they had no grounds. i don't know why he let them. all i know is he's in major trouble. his dad'll probably have a heart attack. my dad was acting all-knowing talking about how he's glad we don't do drugs... he doesn't think i ever did any... proud that my siblings are as close as we are. sorry sir, you had no part in that. and we're close like that because of drugs HA!

but yeah. i start school next month. my mom's so pissed. i was supposed to get a job this summer. i don't know how since unemployment was at like 6.9% i'll try to get one during the school year. i need to get outta here.

i am so scared of something. i don't know of what yet.

i need some help. i know i'm pretty anti-social. but it's getting bad. i'm actually scared of going to malls. i used to just tell myself that i hate shopping. which is true, but if it's just that... i shouldn't be shaky and avoiding everyone's eyes right? oh boy.

i'm even scared of calling for help from customer service. how the fuck am i supposed to survive on my own? i can't have my mother call for everything forever. i can't have my bf or brothers get stuff for me forever. although it would be nice. *sigh*

how did i get like this?

he says i'm not supportive. what the hell? just because i wasn't enthusiastic while he was telling me about his class today. wtf?

then he tells me how i 'm never supportive and i'm negative... etc... etc... etc....

oh my god.

sometimes i just wanna yell at him. i want to tell him how he hurts me. how fa;lskjfda;lskjfdaskl

how he just pisses me off.

today marks three years and five months.

i got an email from my ex-boyfriend. it wasn't to me specifically, but to all the people in his address book. it didn't say much. just that he was doing good... he attached a picture of him and his fiance. i didn't even know he had one.

is it just me? or is everyone getting married?

hahaha he came home last night. he told my mom that he drove all the way to barstow when he realized he was on call for his other job. i asked if he gave the money back and she said no. his friend borrowed it. UH HUH. stupid ass. we all know he went to an indian casino and spent it all. dumb ass.

i put up a new guestbook. i couldn't remember my login for the other one... and i couldn't remember what email i used to sign up. yeah soooo if you're reading this, sign it. lol jk.

no, i'm not kidding. sign!

anyway.

i'm home alone. i'm lying. i'm home with my little sister. my brothers went out. my mom's working. my dad went camping with his family out in laughin. why didn't the rest of us go with him? because we HATE his family. LOL although that may be true, that wasn't the reason. laughlin is hot. laughlin is boring. now add my dad's psycho side of the family... it just ain't pretty. i'd go insane.

we all think he didn't go. he asked my mom for 200 buckaroos. for camping? whatever. you know what he'll use that money for. fucker. i don't see why he went anyway. i always thought he didn't really like them. i don't. hahahaha.

i haven't seen my bf in a week. i'm starting to really really really miss him. actually, i just wanna get some. haven't had any in awhile.

puahahahahhahaa

i don't know. i'm like in depression mode. and i'm really irritable. i need a vacation NOW!

dah well....

i just heard from a "friend" yesterday. he's not like a friend friend. he's a friend i made over the internet like 5 years ago. we've never met, just talk on the phone. it's funny cuz we live like an hour away from each other. and when he called, we were in the same area, just on opposite directions on the freeway. crazy. so anyway, he tells me he's getting married. he just bought a house that's about $600,000. and this guy is my age!!! i'm so jealous. no, not jealous of that stuff. i'm jealous that he has his shit together to do that stuff. i'm still dependent on mommy and daddy. FUCK. i need to get my act together. unless it's too late....

i don't know if anyone else heard about something big going down tomorrow. at least according to some lady that was on kroq a couple times. i've never actually heard her talk, but from my brothers. sooo if the sun sets really late, like 2 hours later, then the earth is slowing down... spinning-wise. i don't necessarily believe it, but i'm open to that possibility. what else can you do right? but ANYWAYS. enough with the crazy talk.

i've been hella crabby lately. i catch myself screaming at the bf. i don't know what it is. oh god, please tell me i'm not..... nm.

this is my last week of school. thank god for that. i'm so fucking sick of driving.

i've gotta lose at least 10 pounds in a month. is that possible? or healthy?

i have no friends. no real ones really. except my brothers. how sad is that. my "friend" from another life was telling me we're not close anymore... because i told him i was non social. eh? just cuz i'm anti-social doesn't mean i don't have friends. it means i don't wanna be out with them LOL jk. anyway, he then tells me sometimes my personality is a turn off. ummm okaaaaay. whatever.

i im'd my bf. he's not responding. i guess he's mad. i don't know why. i don't even remember why he would be mad. i just know we were on the phone and i was getting annoyed. i probably just said something that ticked him off. OH WELL.

i fucking have jury duty in the morning. i should sleep. who knows how long i''ll be there tomorrow. hopefully i'll be in the first group they let go home! *crosses fingers*

wow. it's been like five months since i've updated this blog/journal thing. i guess i've just forgotten about it. i was thinking about it awhile ago and i couldn't even think of what the title to this blog/journal thingy. so i made myself get out of bed just to find out LOL i'm too fucking retarded.

so update on my lil boring ass life.

everythings pretty much the same. i dropped most of my classes and almost failing what i have left. my room is messy and i keep meaning to clean it up, but i don't. i keep thinking about working out, but i don't. etc, etc, etc. you know.

oh but i got my tongue pierced like almost 3 months ago. crazy huh. my parents STILL don't know. i wonder when/if they'll find out. i sound all fifteen-ish. because that's how i feel in this house.

hahaha see, same old shit. i would love to one day... shit i lost my train of thought.

the boyfriend's been ok. nothing really bothers me about our relationship. although some days i get SO bitchy/moody. and it's not pms. i feel sorry for him when that happens. i dunno what it is. i just snap out of nowhere and get restless and not like anything. thankfully that only lasts awhile though hehe

i don't think he talks to psychobitch anymore. his bro's gf (who lives w/them) answers the phonen all the time. and when psychobitch happens to call, she tells her he's not home. she wants to kick psycho's ass. YAY someone else to back me up hahaha

it's funny. i've had a couple dreams where i kick her ass. like HARDCORE. i love those dreams lol

anyway, it's getting late. i'll try updating this blog/journal thingy more often.

nite!