single life
1. If you're single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship: n/a
2. What are the positive points about being single: you can focus on yourself.
3. What are negative points about being single: you can get lonely.
4. When single, do you often find yourself longing for companionship: not really.
5. How well do you handle rejection? ok.
6. Do you miss your last sweetie? no.
7. Do you think it's better to look for love, or let it find you: let it find me.

relationships
1. If you're currently in a relationship right now, how long have you been in it: today, 59 months!
2. What's the longest relationship you've been in: the current one. it'll be five years in exactly a month.
3. The shortest: a couple months.
4. What are the positive points about being in a relationship: sharing myself with someone.
5. What are the negative points about being in a relationship: sometimes i want to be alone.
6. Have you ever gone out with someone you didn't know very well: yeah.
7. Have you ever gone out with someone you had a crush on: i guess.
8. Have you ever gone out with someone who had a crush on you: yeah.
9. What is an example of an ideal perfect day with your sweetie: napping all day long hahaha.
10. How important is it to you to know the exact status of your relationship: status? not.
11. Do you think couples should spend a very large amount of time together, or space things out a tad: space things out.
12. Have you ever found yourself worried about a commitment: nah.
13. When involved, do you try to think about the here-and-now or do you often think about the future: once in awhile we talk about the future, but the here-and-now is more important.
14. How do you prefer to handle disagreements: i don't know. i usually let things go.
15. When in a fight, is it better to euphamize things to soften the hurt, or should one be blunt: i think there are certain times for both.
16. How do you feel when your mate is mad at you and won't tell you why: it pisses me off.
17. How do you feel about having pet names: blah.

feelings
1. Do you have a crush right now: no.
2. Do they know?
3. What's the longest period of time you've ever had a crush: i don't know.
4. Have you ever confessed your feelings to a crush: yeah.
5. Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you: umm yeah.
6. Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush: just friends.
7. How do you feel about long distance relationships? it's sooooo hard. i have a hard time with mine and he's only an hour away. i can't imagine really long distance.
8. If so, does a phone call with them make you feel better or worse: better i guess.
9. Have you ever pined for someone when you're not around them: yeah, why not.
10. Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already: i don't know.
11. What would you do if you got pregnant/made her pregnant while in a relationship: not have it... at least for now.
12. Would you get involved with someone if they were previously married: i don't know.
13. How big of an issue is your mate's morals to your compatibility: not too big of an issue.
14. How big of an issue is religion to your compatibility: very big. i don't believe in religion and the last thing i want is someone telling me to go to church.
15. How big of an issue to you is your mate's ethnicity: not an issue.
16. In a potential mate, how important is conversation to you: pretty important i'd think... how would you communicate?
17. In a potential mate, how important is intelligence to you: very important.
18. In a potential mate, how important is sense of humor to you: very important. i like to laugh.
19. In a potential mate, how important is understanding to you: very.
20. In a potential mate, how important is forgiveness to you: very.
21. How tangible do your share feelings have to be: i don't know.
22. What makes your heart flutter, and brings a bit cheesy smile to your face: compliments and kisses.

*mwa
1. What was your first kiss like: i didn't like it.
2. What parts of a person's body do you find most attractive: smile.
3. What's the first thing you look at when you look at someone you're attracted to: face.
4. How important is the looks of a mate's face to you: pretty important...
5. When you kiss someone for the first time, do you generally feel calm or nervous: fucking nervous. i laugh to try to avoid it lol
6. What are your favorite places to be touched: face, hair...
7. What are your favorite places to touch: neck, arms.
8. What are your favorite places to be kissed: neck, shoulders, lips =)
9. Do you prefer long sensual kisses or shorter pecks: i like kisses period.
10. Have you ever kissed someone you longed for: eh?
11. How did that make you feel: i dunno.
12. Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren't involved with: no. oh wait, unless truth or dare counts lol
13. Were you single at the time: yes.
14. What are your ticklish areas: i'm pretty ticklish everywhere.
15. What are your turn offs: republican jesus freaks. or any jesus freak lmfao
16. What do you most like about making out: it's great.

<3>

wow. it's been a little over a month since i've blogged here. i know i said i was going to do it more regularly. oh well.

i was going through my transcripts and stuff today. if they don't limit the units i can take next semester, i should be done with my stupid certificate next semester. then, in two or three semesters, i'll be done with my aa. i can transfer to a uni. and the ba program for my major is fifteen months. so i should be able to move out of here in three years like i said i would! yay!

why did i not take school seriously before???

so like, i had an ok day.

it started off with me waking up at 6am. i left the house a little after 8 and didn't get to class til about 9:50. fucking traffic. i spent about an hour and a half in lab and decided to leave. i found bf waiting for me outside of my lab! i was hungry so we got some sushi. gotta love kabuki and their half-off sushi! yummmmmy!

both of our stomachs hurt but it wasn't because of the sushi. mine hurt because of what i ate last night. his hurt because... well we never figured it out. he thinks it's yoshinoya. so anyway. we went to his house to "take a nap" LOL well we did actually take a nap but not until after a lil suttin suttin... nah mean? lol

woke up at 6pm so we could bid on something on ebay... which we won. yay!

went to walmart to buy him a sleeping eye mask thingy and index cards for both of us. i was supposed to make flashcards for my legal class tomorrow but i got too lazy. boo on me. oh well. i'll wing it tomorrow. i'll make sure i study for the rest of the tests hehe

after walmart, we went to denny's. we both got breakfasts. i surprised myself because i usually get the club sandwich or some sort of sandwich. yay!

then i went home.

weeeeeeeeee!

so tomorrow i look forward to a test in my legal class. oh and i think i have to pick up a friend from her school which is near my school and drop her home which is near my home LOL

i kind of don't want to because she talks too much and when i drive... i don't like talking. i just wanna blast my songs and sing along.

i'm such a great friend, eh lol

i just checked my guestbook lol

i don't post in this blog very often because it's my secret blog. i have other blogs/journals for my everyday ups and downs. so i usually just vent here. i should call this my venting blog hehe

i guess maybe i come off as really troubled? i don't know.

so to whomever that left that message... if you're still checking... we can have a discussion if you like. i don't mind.

i just spent like the entire day with my brothers and their friends.

we went down to newport to meet up with a and his friends. we watched napolean dynamite at fashion island. we missed like the first 15 minutes and i guess we missed the reflex part? i dunno, but they all say that it's the funniest part of the movie. oh well. i thought it was alright... it was like mr. bean comedy to me- soo retarded but made me laugh.

afterwards, we went down to laguna to get some sushi. it was pretty damn good. i felt bad though because they put all 8 of us in one bill and we wanted them to seperate it. it took a long time and i'm guessing that they think they didn't charge us for every single thing we ordered. oh well.

we then went to some beach in laguna... i think it's called the 1000 steps beach or something. why is it called that? you have to climb a little over 200 steps to go down to the beach. that's not bad when you're going down. it was going back UP that killed me. it really felt like 1000 steps. i can tell you right now that when i wake up in the morning... my legs are going to be so fucking cramped. oh yes.

i have decided that i hate laguna. i don't ever want to go back there. ever. the people there are pretty snotty... the drivers can't drive! ugh. never.

anyway, we stopped by at in.n.out on the way home. we were a little enertained by these retarded people jumping their car. they were sooo stupid. they pushed their car over to another car that was gonna jump them... i didn't understand that because there was a parking spot next to the dead car... why couldn't the other car just park there? they blocked the exit because of that. i swear some people have no brains!

anyway, i'm gonna knock the fuck out. peace.

who the fuck keeps trying to get access to my blogger account? step off my clit bitch. thanks.

i found something about a cousin of mine. her family doesn't want anyone else to know which includes us but her brother told us in confidentiality. ever since hearing the news, i can't stop thinking about it. now, if i can't stop thinking about it... i wonder how much more they are all thinking about it. she's an angel. she is the most innocent person i know. she's also just fifteen. i didn't know fifteen year olds could get breast cancer. what.the.fuck.

i was told that they got most of it out and it looks good. that's good right? i still can't stop thinking about it though. how? how? how?

---

last night he actually asked me if we should've just stayed friends. friends. he fucking said friends. wtf? ok, so is he thinking we should've stayed friends? the last 4 years and 8 months... we should've stayed friends???

of course he said he was just kidding. oh. ok. that's nice.

and again with the non-support from me. i'm thinking he needs his own support group! OMFG.

i'm so confused.

jesus fucking christ.

again with the marrying.

my dad is in his home country right now. my mom said she talked to him and remember how he's trying to hook that one guy up with my aunt? well he said that when he brought over the pic of her, his parents still liked me. WTF??? when i first heard that, i wanted to laugh my fucking ass off because if my aunt ever heard that... she'd drop dead. lol seriously, she's too used to ppl tellin her that she's gorgeous. too bad i think her personality is soo ugly that i don't see it. but i'm getting off the subject. so yeah. that family is so fucking sick that they want me as a daughter-in-law? oh fuck no. for one, our blood is too close for comfort. fuck that shit. i don't care if it was part of our culture.... i am not going there. what i SHOULD do is just scare the shit out of them. i mean, i am not a jesus freak like they probably think i am. they should be briefed on my past substance abuse haha, my lack of cleaning skills, my laziness, actually... maybe they should just get to know me first before deciding they want me for their son. i STILL cannot believe that their son is okay with this shit too? that fucking IRKS me! YUCK!


so anyways.

my bf went to frisko today with two of his friends. i was supposed to go too but i have summer school and couldn't afford the classes that i would've missed. omg, i am actually prioritizing school before fun! yay for me! so yeah, i miss my bf. i really, really do. he doesn't even text me to let me know when he gets there or anything. i hate that about him. grrr.


oh yeah and i got sick on friday. i'm almost over it. i'm in the coughing stage. that is the most annoying part of being sick. i'd rather go through a longer fever... or more body aches... anything but the hack-y coughing. blah.

ugh. my mother asked me if i was sure i didn't want to marry this one guy. his mother wants him to marry me or one of my distant cousins. i'm like wtf man. can't choose a chick yourself? jesus christ. talk about mama's boy!!! gross.

so then my mother asks if it was ok if she introduced him to my aunt (who is like 6 months younger than me). i told her good luck. i KNOW she won't go for him. who cares if he's a doctor surgeon. who gets married for that... shit, not me! i still can't get over the fact he'll marry whoever his mama tells him to. OMFG!

so anyway. my dad is goin to the other side of the world to see the mama's boy's sister get married. i'm not really sure he is because i checked out flights and there are NO flights. crazy huh. the cheapest i found was 1600. that is too much money. my mom just went like a month ago and she only paid 790 i believe. good lordy. i didn't know it was that much of a difference during high season.

summer school bites. well, i'm sure i'll be getting A's in all my classes LOL they're all pretty easy. it's the driving there four times a week that bites. oh well. it just means i finish faster right? yeah, wasn't i suppoed to be finished a loooooooong time ago? talk about laggin!

oh well.

wow. i haven't blogged for awhile... blogger looks different! geez. oh well, it looks cool.

bf told me a couple of days ago that this chick he was friends with liked him. she msg'd him after not talking for like a year... i was like wtf. i mean, we both joked she stopped talking to him because she liked him... we never thought it was actually the truth!! jesus christ. my bf can't have female friends. that sucks. i want female friends lol

mom is getting on my last nerves. i don't know what happened while she was gone. i think after three weeks of not nagging us, it built up inside of her. so now that she's back... she nags with double power. i dunno. it sucks though.

i applied for a job. sundays only. i should apply to other hospitals too. i have to start working at a hospital. nowhere else damn it.

i am such a fucked up friend. maybe i shouldn't call myself a friend. i missed one of my best friends wedding monday. i don't even know if i'm considered her bf or if i consider her MY bf. i never call or anything. i don't know anything about whats going on in her life. well she did tell me about the wedding and how she's expecting. i just feel so fucked up. i missed her wedding, i missed another two friends' graduations. this fucking social anxiety is gonna make me end up alone. i need to something about that.

anyway, i missed her wedding cuz i went to buy a car. i *did* think i would be done in time to go to her wedding, but i was wrong. i didn't get home til 1pm. but yeah. i love my cute lil car! i hope it lasts a long time so i don't have to buy another car for awhile. yuuuuup.

omfg. i hear that song "i swear" LOL that was 8th grade i believe.... that song got on my nerves actually. it was on the radio all the time.

so anyway.

i'm getting a lil frustrated. sexually. have not had sex in like 2 months. maybe more? the first month was because i was sick. when i'm sick, i don't like to do anything. and the second month... just no time. i'm actually not really caring... but bf is gettin antsy. it's just my bro's been coming with me over there... so we barely have alone time. but the days we are alone, he makes me do his fucking hair. which takes so much time that afterwards i just wanna go home! well whatever

god damn. i'm sleepy. i dunno what's wrong with me. lately, i've been sleeping reallly late for no reason. i just stay up. and when i do fall asleep... i don't sleep very well. i fear these bags/dark circles are going to be permanant. that would fucking suck ass. so now i should just turn my goddamn laptop off and just sleep. yes.

byers.

man i'm sick. just when i thought i was getting over it... i dunno. either it's a whole new sickness...? i don't know what's going on. add my period into the mix. i am not happy.

i told my bf that i probably won't go see him tomorrow and he gets all pissy. hello? i have my rag and a fever? i am quite sure you do not want to see me. shit, i don't want to see anyone either.

omfg i'm in pain. i need some nyquil but i don't have any. i don't have money to buy some. arrgh

my freaking laptop is making some whiny sound that's getting on my nerves.

i'm so sad. i saw a job posted at the hospital and when i went back to apply for it, it was gone. DAMN IT! it was perfect for me! NOOOOOOO! so now i have to wait for another opening in that department. darnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. i was gonna apply for another job that was m-f 8a-1pm but then i'm thinking about keeping my wednesday morning class. it starts this week. after i heard about the probability of tuition raise (AGAIN!) i thought i should just get the damn class over with now... while it's still just $18/unit. fuck ARNOLD! stupid mofo.

my throat fucking kills. i want to cut it out. of course then i'll be dead. *doh*

i dropped my monday class. yeah fuck it. but i swear, i gotta stop doing that shit. i wanna finish all my schooling by the time i reach 30 dang it. i need to have a kid by then if i decide to have one. blah.

friendster is addicting. i don't go on there much. but when i do, i spend what it seems like hours looking at ppl. weeeird seeing ppl that you haven't seen since they were like 3 years old! wow.

i need to start exercising. as soon as i get rid of this god damn sore throat. i need to be healthy. i don't want diabetes dang it. i'll shoot myself. fo serious.

it's been awhile since i've posted here. well, it's *always* been awhile hahaha anyway...

yesterday i received the titanium rings. i had sent them in last week to remake and now it fits beautifully. i had to send in bf's also cuz his was too big too. how did we pay for it? i activated my credit card and just charged it. yup, so now my balance is back in the 900s. damn it. oh well, when bf gets his settlement check from the accident stuff... hopefully he'll pay off my credit card... or at least half hehehe

i drive way too much now. i drive about 400 miles a week now. i'd like to drop my monday night class so i can have a day off but then i won't be a full time student. which in turn means i won't have insurance. my mother would be so mad at me. *sigh*

i should be able to update more often since i have a laptop now. it came with a price. my dad said he'd buy it if we agreed to go to their church once a month. well you know what, i'm not gonna go. if they take the laptop away... oh well! that is how much i hate that church. i swore i would never set foot in there again... for actual church time. if it's some christmas program i'd probably go but not for church. fuck no.

my nails are getting pretty long. i need to clip them. my hair is getting way too long. it's at about my waist. i said i've always wanted to grow my hair long... i hate it. it's too long. it makes me look shorter and fatter somehow. that's so weird cuz i thought short hair did that to me. my hair seems to look best at medium length. i want to cut it but i'm terrified of getting my hair cut. i need to get over my stupid fears. blah.

i am so tired. i feel bad because i keep avoiding my friends. i don't answer my phone. i just want to be alone right now.

i'm so stressed out too because of school. i had to drop today's class because i overslept. now i need to find three more units to add. bf suggested his japanese class (many times) and i guess i'll try to. i don't really have very many options.

yesterday was my first day back. i had a lab orientation. while i was at orientation, my bf needed a ride to school so my bro picked him up. i got out and sat there waiting for 2 hours because we had no idea how long his class was. i was pissed off because i told him repeatedly that i had an early morning class the next day and needed my sleep. when he got out he walked his friend to his car and was trying to get me to go there. i didn't understand WHERE the hell he was talking about so i told him to just go to my car. when he finally did, he got all pissy and shit. we started arguing... when i dropped him off, i told him to get the ffx game that he borrowed and he was just like whatever. he came back and handed it to my bro instead of me. but then he was like, are you mad at me? i said... are you? he goes, no.. are you? and i started smiling and said noooooooooo

yeah it was stupid.

a couple hours later i drive back to his house cuz i didn't want to be stuck in traffic for more than 2 hours if i left in the morning. something happened so i didn't leave my house til about 3am. i thought i'd get there and fall asleep... maybe a lil suttin suttin =P but no. i got there and we did the suttin suttin shit til like 5am. i was so tired. and THAT is how i overslept. stupid bf... it was all his fault.

jk. i know deep down i wanted things to go this way. i'm so scared of taking that class. i don't know why! i'm stressing so bad about a lot of little things that i shouldn't be. hello, year of the monkey. it's supposed to be a good year.... right? hrm.

oh yeah. this morning i asked him when we're gonna get married. his response was... "when i'm done with grad school" are you kidding me?? i told him we'd probably not have kids because by that time, there will be lots of complications and stuff. seems like he wants his own kids... even if they're not with me and my eggs. jk. i dunno about kids though. sometimes i feel like i'd love to have some... other times... i just want my chihuahuas. i guess i'll figure it out as i get OLDER. so if we decide that we want to get married... it ain't happening til i turn almost 30. i guess that's not bad since gwen was i think 32 or 33 when she did... =P hey, i <3 gwen.

anyway.......................................

i feel like i can sleep through this whole weekend.

bf and i ordered titanium rings last week and i just received them yesterday. they're beautiful but sadly, mine is way too big. it's really loose. i mean, they're not loose enough that they just fall off... but it's noticable. to resize it, it has to be remade... that costs another $35. that's $35 i don't have.

=(

i am so broke. i have one dollar in my checking account. i'm used to it though, seeing as i don't even have a job!

school starts in a week. i thought i had TWO weeks but i was wrong! i'm not ready to start school... but i can't wait to go. is that weird? i hate being in this house... but i don't want to go out. whatever.

bf is pissing me off. he talks to my friends more than i do. so what if it's just aim. they still exchange words. they talked about working out. since he had that accident, he can't workout. so i think he got extra pissy about talking about working out... and me not working out even though i am ablebodied. and then he started harping on my smoking. i'll smoke if i want to. he even told me that he wouldn't marry me if i smoke. i got him moded because we weren't planning on marrying anyway. i thought we didn't need to be married.

wooo i've been so freaking lazy lately.

dec 31. my brothers and i went to bf's house. we were supposed to go to downtown disney and meet up with his friends. turns out none of them could go except for bf's best friend. so we picked his ass up and bought beer and drank at bf's house. that's pretty much it. drank, watch some tv, play some video games....

jan 4. our four year anniversary! he had wanted me to go over there early but my mom took my car. i didn't get there til about 4pm. he wanted me to come over early so we could go shopping... for a necklace! he remembered me pointing at something and saying i wanted it. i don't really want it anymore though hhehe so we walked around looking for something else. i couldn't decide so he told me i could think about it and buy it later =) he was really sweet that day/night. i got home at about 3:30am. he called me to make sure i got home alright and we ended up talking on the phone til 6am. damn, we haven't done that in years. literally! LOL it was a great talk. about ex's hehehehe i dunno, we cool like that =)

last night we decided to get plain bands for both of us! so now people are going to think i'm married. dah well =P i think we're getting them tomorrow. my brothers and i are going over there to watch a movie and eat. yay =)