ehh.. i was bad yesterday... i gave in and smoked a cigerette. jeez i dunno.. ever since he told me he tried smoking for a day... i've been.. i dunno.. craving a cig? i dunno what it is.. but i just wanted one. but when i was smoking.. i was like. yuck what am i doing... and stopped. yay.

ohhh i watched lotr. i thought... damn 3 hours.. i hope it doesn't drag... but it didn't! i was kinda shocked. i couldn't tell the movie was that long... it flowed.. beautifully..

hehehe i'm not getting shit for christmas. well my mommy bought me a phone a couple months ago sayin it was my xmas gift.. and my sister is giving me some bracelet with stars on it i think.. but other than that.. i gots shit. oh wait.. the boyfriend gave me a cd. WOW! =P he spent 10 bucks on me. 185 on his bro. well that's family.. but still.. ain't that a big gap? between 10 and 185??? oh well.. i shouldn't have expected anything.. seeing that he has no job or money... i gotta learn not to expect anything... hey at least i got something right? it's the thought that counts.. =P

yike-a-roo-eeez hahahaha

i love my boyfriend. i love my boyfriend. did i say i love my boyfriend? YESSS!! i love my boyfriend! hahahhaa

see.. the guy i fell for, 2 years ago, is still in there somewhere. he just needs to come out a lil more often hehehe. =)

make that.. a lot more often =P

he wants me to come over today... i have no idea how i'm gonna feel when i see him. i mean.. i'll be hella happy to see him cuz hello.. he's my bf hahaha but then i might feel kinda strange cuz of that shit he told me. i dunno... i'll find out later =P

eh.. i'm feeling sick.. i keep sneezing. bleh not again.

why isn't he calling me? he says he misses me but he sure doesn't act like it. whatever. i'ma stay busy and yeah. when he calls i'm not gonna answer. lol i sound so stupid. i was thinking of coming over tomorrow.. but he ain't calling me. hmm.. i wanna see how long til he calls...

yeah so i was stuck in the stupid jury assembly room thingy til 3:45. that shit sucks. i'm gonna remember next time to actually get some sleep the night before =X

man i gotta get up and go to jury duty tomorrow. you know.. the stupid jury duty selection thing. i've never gone. i've been summoned twice or three times and i just never went. but i thought i'd go this time cuz isn't it like a federal offense if you don't go? i dunno... it's not fair.. my bro and bf has never been summoned. yet a month after my 18th, i was summoned.. grrr anyways no use complaining....

i'm going nuts here. i'm too tired to elaborate. maybe tomorrow =P

this is what he wrote/typed/whatever:

" I'm really sorry about yesterday. Your boyfriend is an asshole basically. I would never ever want you to think that I was gonna get another girl or anything. I would never want you to feel scared. Even though I have not said it. I love you sooo much. It does no justice by saying this or typing it. You are my world. I have never met anyone like you and you are more than my girlfriend. I am sorry if i neglected these past days. Well. Life would never be the same without you. The only thing I would ever want from you for christmas is for you to be happy. I love you baby. I always will. Just wanted you to know(you should know already though.) You are my world...."

it seems like i'm dependent. how pathetic huh. what happened to me? i dunno i feel as if the world is passing me by... i'm sitting on a street corner confused not knowing which way to turn. and everyone else has a map. or a friend they can call for directions. that's the mental picture i have of myself. i always say that's what you'll see if you went inside my brain. me sitting on the curb of a street corner with my head in my hands. the street sign has a milliion street names pointing in every direction.. a big ol' question mark in a thought bubble. yup. that's what you'll see.

anyways.. i dunno where this post is going.. it's almost 5 am... i'm disappointed.. i can't sleep.. senselessness has settled in. i'll just stop this now. i'll prolly delete this post tomorrow anyway.

my rave name is sparkley popsicle. but that's with my first and last name. when i only put my first.. it's neato skittle. hmm.. since i'm being annonymous and i dunno what to call myself... i'll use sparkley popsicle! or should i use neato skittle??

i need a change. maybe i should change my hair color.. something. waiting around for his call is retarded. and i am sooo not calling him. i'm always the one that calls. watch.. i'll probably call him anyway =/

dang.. nice weather we're having. it's... gray. yay.

he finally called me today. whoah. but it was just for 4 minutes. i think he just called so he can have someone to talk to til his best friend called him. ;lfjksaDJAdf i'm so frustrated with this stupid relationship. sometimes i think i'm just being unfair and that i'm not seeing everything clearly. but i mean.. how hard can it be to just tell me how he feels. or ask me how i'm doing.. how i'm feeling. i don't even think he thinks about me anymore. it's so sad. first i feel invisible in this house. now he's making me feel invisible too.

i won't be seeing him that often next semester. just once a week and that's just cuz we're going to be taking a class together. that ought to be interesting. anyway he was fired from his job on friday and he didn't even tell me til today. how sad is that. i bet if i didn't turn on my AiM, he wouldn't have told me. or at least not anytime soon =(

my life is getting boring. i mean, it's boring to start with. it just keeps getting more and more boring. can that even be possible??? hahaha

ugh.. i checked out his aa page and i noticed some new names on his friends list.. and being the psychotic girlfriend that i am... i checked them out. and shiet was i surprised when i saw their pages... girls with sn's with horny or sexee or sumthin like that in their sn... and then they have half naked pictures of themselves on their page... one chick even shows nipplage. i don't know what to make out of this. i mean i don't care if they're fiiiine.. cuz shit i'll look too! but these chicks look like hoes!! makes me wonder if he wished i look like them... now i feel all insecure again. damn him. damn him to hell.

i'm feeling what jai is saying.. the part about her relationship and stuff... he's being a lil more attentive but... where is the passion??? i think girls expect too much. hehe

he can't even call me? am i that boring or something? but hey i shouldn't care. cuz what do we talk about anyway? him working out.. me not doing shit. him wanting me to work out.. me wanting to die. aiyah.

today is our 23 months. one more month until 2 years! i can't believe that. time really does fly.

*awhile ago like a couple weeks ago*
i said.. i wish you'd try to seduce me and stuff... not just dive into sex.. you barely do the kissing thing anymore
him... well if you lost weight... i'd do it 10 times more

in my head since then...
10 times more... 10 times more... 10 times more... 10 times more... 10 times more... 10 times more... 10 times more... 10 times more... 10 times more... 10 times more... 10 times more... 10 times more... 10 times more... 10 times more... 10 times more... 10 times more... 10 times more... 10 times more... 10 times more... 10 times more... 10 times more... 10 times more... 10 times more... 10 times more... 10 times more... 10 times more... 10 times more... 10 times more... 10 times more... 10 times more... 10 times more... 10 times more... 10 times more... 10 times more... 10 times more... 10 times more...

he says he didn't mean it to come out like that... how else was i supposed to take it?
FUCK YOU!! fuck you for making me cry. fuck you for being so insensitive. fuck you for not understanding me. look at what you've made me do. you say just forget you ever said that. FUCK THAT! how can anyone ever forget words like that???

Promises... do they disappear like the fog right after they have been fulfilled? -Haruka
I’ve seen that in manga a lot, but I’ve never seen it work. -Keitaro
Whatever the look I have, that does not decide who I am. -Motoko

maybe i can't feel happy. when everything seems fine.. i find something else to be sad about. i dunno what's wrong with me.

cingular sucks =P why can't i put a freakin operator logo on dammit... well i'm too lazy to look into that right now.. i've had a pretty long day.. i've been up since 5:something a.m

i'm about to fall asleep riiiiiight about now. zzzzzzzzzz

lately i've been wondering... how do you know when someone is "the one"? i know everyone says you just know... do you?? =P

i was trying to clean my room today... big emphasis on trying hehehee it looks a lot better than before, but it still needs a lot more work! =)
anyway.. i was going through my letter box. and i thought i'd throw out letters that weren't really worth keeping. and in doing so, i got some of my ex-boyfriends' letters. and it just made me wonder about them.. like what they're doing now.. what they look like? hahahha but in the end, i remember why they are ex-boyfriends and yeah.

i decided that i needed a more private blog. something i can put all my thoughts in without worrying who was reading it and how they would react. so here it is! woohoo!