before it happened, sarah said she was scared. we asked about what and she didn't know. she just was.stan was contemplating putting on his seatbelt.. but saw me and sarah not wearing ours so i guess he didn't. he said some other stuff too but i forgot.

my mother mentioned a couple times earlier maybe we should eat out on sunday instead.. or just buy something simple like sandwiches and eat at home.

i was thinking the same thing. i actually thought.. maybe we should just order pizza. and that's what we ended up doing. how weird.

steve was thinking a couple things also but i forget what right now.

the only person who had no thoughts like that was dad. he just ain't in tune, i guess. and he used to be the guy with all the esp. he'd know if i was home or not before he walked into the house. i guess gambling messed with his judgment or something? eh, i dunno.

he didn't get me anything for my birthday. not even a fucking card. or a poem. nothing. i was really sad.

i wasn't expecting anything... but.. at least a card? or a fucking note would be nice....

i guess guys just don't get it. unless it's just my bf? nooooooo

but at least i had birthday sex? LOL he drew a bubble bath for me... it was soo warm with candles around.. i was like woooooow =) we ended up having sex in the tub... and then on the counter =) yum yum

then i went home right after hahaha... hey it was late.

my hair is still wet =)

is it the birthday blues? or am i really depressed?

now, i ain't one of those people who thinks just because they're sad that they're depressed. i think depression is when you're sad and don't know why. like, when you're finished crying... you still don't feel better. i've been fighting off tears for awhile now. it's taking all my energy to keep 'em back. i don't know what i'm crying about because everything is pretty much alrite. i ain't gonna say perfect cuz life sux. but nothing is really *that* bad.

bf says it's bday blues because the birthday is nearing.... he could be right. i'm gonna be fucking twenty-two. i think about where i'm at and where i'm supposed to be, and there's this huge ass gap. this society is driving me insane because WHO SAYS you have to be at a certain place in your life at certain ages... everyone has their own pace. unfortunately, in this society, everyone's pace is fast and faster. hurry hurry hurry. i can't stand that.

oh yeah. i caught myself comparing myself with other girls. i'm so frustrated with myself. i feel like i'm in a constant battle. laziness vs. motivation. for once i'd like motivation to win because this stupid laziness is driving me to the ground. i've really gotta do something about it.

i am antisocial.

me and my friends are throwing a lil bday bbq get together for me. i'm kind of dreading it... so much that i want to cancel it. i want to be holed up in my room. my boyfriend thinks i'm kidding, but i'm not. i'll be twenty-two on friday and i just can't handle it. i'm so disappointed, grossed out, frustrated with myself.... i just want to stop NOW. i don't want to go on with this charade anymore.

i don't think anyone knows how i *really* feel.

i don't even know how *i* really feel. i get glimpses of it at moments like this. i think this feeling is rooted deeper inside somewhere and i don't want to venture it.

i suppose i don't want to know how much of a failure i am.

ewww i looked at a couple pix taken last nite at my sis' bday party and i'm disgusted at how FAT i am! omg. it's so weird. when i look at myself in the mirror... i see fat... but not that much. but PICTURES... they don't hide anything. blech.

i need to get off my ass and do something about this.

wow, it's been a real long time since i've posted anything here. i've been meaning to, but i always get distracted and forget.

tomorrow's my first day of school. i'm kind of dreading it because i've been lazy all summer (and my whole life haha) and i really don't feel like getting up early and all that stuff you go through just to go to school. argh...

yes. i guess we're fighting right now. although i am not sure why. he says i'm being negative. my voice is negative or something. and that i don't sound happy like yesterday. well like i have complained before... i am not happy every fucking day. it doesn't happen. FIND ME someone who is happy every single day...... it's not natural.

tomorrow's gonna be two years and seven months. how scary.