i feel like a loser.

i kept wondering and wondering if he was going to call me yesterday. he did earlier in the day to tell me he wants to kill himself because he's probably getting a c in math. he can't have a 'c' because he doesn't work, his parents think he has no excuses to have bad grades. i try to tell him i understand and he keeps telling me i don't understand. i guess he cean't share the misery. it has to be about him and only him.

i think i'm obsessing about him. i wonder why i am and this is what i came up with. i don't really go out anymore. he knows i'm always home. i'm going to spend more time with my friends. or hopefully find a job to consume all this free time i have. i want him to worry about me again. and maybe get him to come here for a change.

maybe i should convince my mom to go to indo. at least i can be miserable over there without having to hide it from people here. because over there they can think i'm miserable from mosquitos, humidity, or being homesick. i want to be gone for a month. i don't want this bullshit life. i want to have another for a little while.

he can be insensitive at times. but i guess that's most guys, right? tell me to cancel my phone and take yours? why don't i get a job and pay for it?

he promised me a massage for braiding his fuckin hair. i spent 4 hours doing that shit and my back killed. did i ever get that massage? no
he wants a bj? he thinks foreplay is giving me a little kiss. give me a break.

OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i know who hit my car. he told me today that she did it. the psycho racist bitch hit my car "on accident" when she was trying to park. she looked at the license plate and figured out it was mine and said she wasn't sorry she hit my car. only sorry that she didn't hit it harder or some shit. FUCKING BITCH. err i promised him i wouldn't kick her ass before he told me. i shouldn't have promised that. DAMN IT. i've never had anyone not like me so much that they'd not be sorry they hit my car! i don't even know what to feel.

she even had a dream she fought me and scratched her name on my face. does she want my boyfriend THAT bad?!

but you know what... whatever. she's not a happy person being. i think she deserves all the crap life is serving her. so there. i don't even have to do anything. i'm happy, she's not.

there are times i think he's the sweetest in the world. then there are the days where i think he's an insensitive bastard. but then again, i guess i can be like that too. no one's perfect eh?

his friend likes him. the chick that helped him pay his bills.. braid his hair.. and whatever the fuck else she does with him. i KNEW it! who fuckin pays that many bills.. he told me some girl told him "break up with your girlfriend" because she liked him. he finally admitted yesterday it was her. the stupid racist bitch. oh my god, if i ever see her.... eh, i'll probably do nothing since i'm a lover, not a fighter. har har. nah whatever. i have my man, she doesn't. hehehehe

all this time, i was hating the wrong girl. damn. lol

i've just spent 3 days and a night with him. he was so sweet today. i stayed at his house while he went to math class. he called after class and asked if i was hungry and told me that we'd get something to eat. but no, he came back with food from rubios and i think thai tea. yumm yumm.

i've figured out a couple things about myself. i'm too sleepy to get into it though, it'll have to wait til the morning.

he said all that shit yesterday and today he talks to me like yesterday never happened.

well, he did say, "forget everything i said."

i'm sorry. you can't forget what's said aloud. it's out there.

my heart has a crack. one more hit and it'll shatter.

before he said anything yesterday, he asked if i was sure he was right for me.

i said yeah... i forgot to ask about him.

*sigh*

i'm sorry. am i supposed to like everything you like? am i supposed to agree with everything you say? FUCK!

he makes me so mad sometimes. so we disagree about how a car looks like. i think the matrix and the civic si look okay. he thinks it's ugly. i tell him, hey it's your opinion, but the world doesn't go by your opinion. if you hate it, you hate it. i think it looks okay. he gets all mad and hangs up on me. wtf? i'm just tellin him people have differing opinions. how fuckin immature is he?

then i finally get a hold of him online and he says he's not mad but then he puts his stupid away message. oookay.

i call him and he doesn't talk.

i im him and tell him i'm angry and he better call me back. (make that FUCKIN angry)

he calls and still says nothin. but then he asks why we always argue. uhh.. wtf. everyone argues it's fuckin normal. it's abnormal when you make lil shit a big deal all the time and turn it around and say it means you don't care. yup, he told me i don't care. and when he brings up that point he adds, you don't support me. FUCK!

looks like i get a couple get aways this year. next week we and a bunch of other families are heading out to laughlin for camping and stuff. then next month we're goin to hawaii woohoo! and the day after we come back, i'm supposed to go to vegas with christine for her 21st bday. damn, she'll be 21!! ahhhh time flies.

apparently the boyfriend's parents made a CD for him and his bro. it'll mature in a couple weeks. so he's gonna use that to pay off his credit card bill. F I N A L L Y!! oh and he's gonna use his tax return money for his cell. so he has plenty of time to find a job. he doesn't have to feel pressured or whatever. which is cool cuz it ain't pretty when he's feeling pressured.