i'm having financial problems.

i don't know what to do.

i am stupid.

school sucks. fucking up in micro. doing ok in chem. i'll never get into any nursing school.

dad in hospital again. gonna have an angiogram tomorrow.

mom is freaking out. we have no money.

i'm stressing out. i need money to pay my bills. i have no idea how they got so high. fuck. since i'm not doing great in school, maybe i should quit and just get some job.

i fucking hate this.

man, i thought i was going to blog more often but i guess not.

summer vacation is over. school starts on monday. i wasn't nervous, UNTIL NOW! i'm so scared. i freaking dread science classes... so why the hell am i taking TWO?! on the same days. i predict i will be killing myself. oh yeah.

my credit card bills are getting overwhelming. bf said he would pay off one numerous times. last time i asked, he said he'll pay it off when i get a job. huh???? he said something like it's not fun working and having no money because i have bills to pay. ok, it's just that he said he was going to pay it off... even in front of my brothers a couple of times. and then he changes his mind. it's like fine, i won't trust anything you say because you'll probably just change your mind anyway.

whatevz.

my dad is ok. he went into surgery yesterday and they were able to clear his blockages. when we visted him last night, he was noticeably more vibrant. he says he can breathe again and no more chest pains! very good news :)

this is really ridiculous.

i am never buying another bmw ever again.

this time it's my driver window.

fucking piece of shit.

oh yeah. dad is in hospital again for chest pains.

he was in cardio rehab working on the treadmill and he pushed himself too hard.

anyway, doctors say his heart isn't better but it's also not worse. his meds aren't working as well as they'd hope so now he's getting an upgrade.

so the birthday party was not so bad. it was kind of boring. then i again, i kind of like boring. anyway, it was just a couple of friends. food, drinking, smoking, laughing... oh and guitar hero. haha.

i keep watching pixies acoustic dvd over and over. it's pretty cool. i have it playing while i play wow as background sound :)

i watched the great raid. it was more interesting than i thought it would be. that's always good.

i've gotta start cleaning my room. maybe unpack the last box i have sitting in my closet. i've lived here for about a year and a half and i am not fully moved in LOL

i'm going to update this blog more often than usual. especially since it's summer and i've opted not to go to summer school. yay.

so update...

i think i still have a chance at a couple of schools i'm looking at. that would require another year of school to get in... i don't think my mother would like that. i should just give up. fuck it, i'll just take the damn associates degree instead of the ba.

i am working on my social anxiety/phobia. i picked up a book called beyond shyness. i've read about 20 pages and so far it's been right on the money. i've gotta set aside some time each day to read it. i also picked up a book that'll help me out with the BIG class i'm taking fall semester. i'm planning on studying it so that by the time class starts, i can hopefully grasp it better.

i found out my exboyfriend got married. it's weird saying that because when i look back... i get feelings of friendship instead of an old relationship. i dunno, whatever. i'm glad he's happy. it's cute because he married his first gf i think. they were together when they were 15, and she went to my school. in fact, we used to ride the same school bus but i don't think i have ever talked to her. she was part of the "cool crowd" and of course, i wasn't.

anyways.

i have to go to a friend's birthday party tomorrow. i know it's sad but i'd rather see my boyfriend. this particular friend makes me exhausted. you reaaaally won't understand unless you meet her. i'm serious. everyone feels this way. lol, why am i friends with her? well when she's not being all condescending, giving her opinion on everything whether you ask for it or not and what not... she's ok. so i'm hoping i can just pop in, mingle and then get away a lil early. i'm a fucked up friend, i know.

i miss my boyfriend. ever since he started working, i barely have contact with him. i see him probably once a week and we usually hang out with friends. so we don't have a lot of alone time. i don't really talk to him on the phone cuz i hate talking on the phone. he doesn't call cuz he knows i don't pick up. we play WoW but since he works 12 hour shifts that start way early in the morning, he doesn't play much... or he doesn't play when i'm playing. i miss him so terribly.

i want to move out because this is just getting ridiculous. if i don't get into my program right away after fall semester, i'm soooo taking up a job and moving out. i don't care how hard my life will be, i desparately need out.

ya know, it would be sooo much easier if i'd just win the lottery! lol

what is up with me and car problems? i swear to god... i'm a magnet for them. ok, so far with this car, i had a hole in the coolant reserve thingy, broken passenger side window motor thing, under carriage cover broke off, flat tire... present problems includes broken REAR passenger window motor thing, alignment is waaaay off, and something is wrong with my power steering. it makes weird sounds when i turn right... and since its power steering and that doesn't get "used-up"... it means theres a leak somewhere. OH YEAH.

i also think my belts are loose.

maybe i should have gotten a boring toyota.


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i want to move out now. i should get a job. i'm too scared though. why do i have this anxiety. it's so crippling. i hate it but i can't get over it. i need help.


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i'm stupid. yay. i've discovered that a lot of the schools i want to apply for require 2.75 for the pre-req clases. i'm fucking screwed. i got c's on 2 of the classes. even if i get an a in the third one, i can't make the 2.75. FUCKING SHIT.

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so there it is. everything that's keeping me in this spot and i don't know what to do to move.

i just finished reading some of the entries from 2001-2002. it made me cringe! i felt embarrassed while reading them. who is this stupid girl? she sounds freaking retarded! LOL as embarrassing as it felt though, i remember feeling the way i did. i guess i was just expecting too much... but i had never been in a long relationship so i didn't know anything. now, we're pretty good. instead of him sleeping on the couch while i watch tv... we sleep together. i think being able to be in his room helped lol because before, i wasn't really allowed in there. i guess we already know each other... we don't stay mad at each other very long. we even play wow together hehehe i say we have it good. two of his friends say we're their role models for relationships :)

ok, now to play catch up.

i found my car out at a place called oc motors. they say you'll have the best buying experience there with their no pressure sales. uhh, yeah. totally no pressure. "oh, you like that car? cool." very nice people there. so yeah. i got a 2001 bmw 330i. it's black with black interior. sports package too. the only thing i had wanted was it to be manual. it's ok though. one day, i'll have my lotus elise/exige or whatever sports car i end up getting... and i'll get stick. i swear. not my m5 though. LOL yes, i swear one day i'll have an M5. it'll be the family car hahahahaha


as for school... i'm only taking a walking class. i freaking registered too late this semester. stupid me. i didn't get into micro. i even tried to petition. didn't happen. so now my plans are postponed for ANOTHER semester. stupid, stupid, stupid. oh well. i get to have half a year to relax lol.