holy shite. it's 1am. the last time i looked at the clock it was 12. gahhh

it really amazes me. i think i write better in this journal instead of my public one. i read a couple old entries in both and this one is moore.... expressive? i didn't think i could pull that off. well, it's expressive to me. i've had this journal for two years already. i think that's crazy!

oh yeah, last weekend was the date. i had intended to go out to eat... i ended up having *no* money. so instead, we had sex and ate hotdogs at weinershnitzels (i don't think i spelled that right). then we went back to his house and had more sex. it was great =) i'm looking forward to our next date LOL but this time, we're really gonna do the date thing. you know... actually GO OUT. yeah. hopefully one of us will have money =)

ahhhh i wanted to update this somewhat regularly but i forgot. damn it damn it damn it. *sigh*

anyway, i started school a month ago. it's going alright. i missed a couple classes already. a couple times due to my car. flat tire one day, dead battery another. i'm getting decent grades. but i left my disc in the computer lab during coding skills lab. i'm fucking retarded. i just hope somebody turns it in so i don't have to do all that work again.

i haven't had alone time with my bf in a month or so. i've seen him about once a week the past month. see, i go to school there with my bro now. so i have to go home after class. not like before when i would just sleep over. i'm so much more tired this way, but oh well. i guess it makes what time we do have together a little more special? ehh... i dunno.

so i'm going on a "date" today with the bf. my original plan was to go out to dinner or a picnic at the beach. i have no money and no food here soooo i don't know what to do. he says not to worry, just be spontaneous. how spontaneous can you get with no money or food! i'm tired of not having money ever! i need a fucking job! but my stupid school schedule doesn't leave much room for a job. that bites.

i'm so jealous. my friend and her man live at her parents house... they've bought a car together... he talked about saving up for an engagment ring already! they've been together almost 3 years. one year less than me and mines.

i'm not jealous of the ring... i'm jealous of the other things. buying shit together... living together... well i want some presents too damn it. he hasn't given me a present in a loong time. he didn't get me a birthday present! not even a fucking card!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! nothing! i am upset.

whatever. i feel distance forming between me and everybody. i want to fix it but i can't. i don't know. i'm going crazy. crazier every day. it takes a lot for me to wake up and go through the motions each and every day.

i don't know. whatevers.

*sigh*